Smile of the Day

[ika]

Dear Lord please help me be the kind of person my dog thinks I am 

Golfing on Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning 

 realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,

 decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor

 that he was feeling sick and convinced

him to say Mass for him that day.

 As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room,

 Father Norton headed out of town

to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally

 meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.

After all, it was Sunday morning

 and

 everyone else was in church!

 At about this time,

 Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord

while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,

 “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball

 and it shot straight towards the pin,

 dropping just short of it,

rolled up and fell into the hole.

 It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished.

 He looked at the Lord and asked,

“Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied,

SPOILER: Click to show

 “Who’s he going to tell?”

Thanks by Sexy

[boog]

bless you ika for putting a smile on my face today

[ika]

aww thanks 

Baby girl!!!!!

keep that smile on your face you won the

VETO 

[ika]

I'm going to do something a little different today since this is Eviction day  

sorry to the 3 that has to leave us....kisses






Rachelle 

Ika

I brought someone with with me today

When you and your girl 

go to a classy event & Ratchet it up!!!

[ika]

This is for yesterday

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when
he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.
The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them
might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute.
I’ll have to look for these.”

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out,

“Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back.
“That’s terrific!
Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

SPOILER: Click to show

“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

[ika]

Two ladies Talking in heaven


1st woman:

Hi! My name is Wanda..

2nd woman:

 Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman:

I froze to Death

2nd woman:

How Horrible!

1st woman:

It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman:

I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.



1st woman:

So, what happened?

2nd woman:

I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down to the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that
I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.



1st woman:

SPOILER: Click to show

Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both be alive today....

Thanks bySexy

[candice]

somebody's feeling a little morbid

[Mike Dutz]

I keep missing them

All caught up now and plenty of smiling

[ika]

I know you missed these oh my Diva might be going home






An older, white haired man
walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a
special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock
and brought out a $5,000 ring
and showed it to him.
The old man said,
“I don’t think you understand,
I want something very special.”
At that statement,
the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled
and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said,
“We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made
and the old man stated, by check.
” I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday
to verify the funds
and I’ll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning,
a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”

 

SPOILER: Click to show

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

[pyramidhead]

**as camera pans to Pyramid Head smiling**

[ika]

A tightwad
was looking for a gift to give a friend.
Everything was too expensive except
for a glass vase that had been broken
and he could purchase it for almost nothing.

He asked the store to send it
hoping his friend would think
it had been broken in transit.

In due time he received a note:

SPOILER: Click to show

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

[ika]

Think we need another smile of the day

At a dinner party,
several of the guests
were arguing whether
men or women
were more trustworthy.
"No woman,"
said one man,scornfully,
"can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that,
" answered a woman guest.
"I have kept my age
a secret since
I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day,
" the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!"
responded the lady.

SPOILER: Click to show

When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever

[ika]

kisses

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach
of an island and is immediately
surrounded by a group of native warriors.

"I'm done for",
the man cries in despair.

"No you are not,"
comes a booming voice from the heavens.
"Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say.
Grab the spear from the one who
is beside you and shove it
through the heart of the chief."

The man does so,
and the remainder of the band
stare in disbelief.

"Now, what?"
the man asks the heavens. 

SPOILER: Click to show

"Now you're done for"

[ika]

A grandmother was pushing
her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy.
Each time she put something in the basket,
she would say,
"And here is something for you,
Diploma,"
or
"This will make a
cute little outfit for you,
Diploma,"
and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper
who had heard all this finally asked,
"Why do you keep calling
your grandchild
Diploma?"

The grandmother replied,

SPOILER: Click to show

"I sent my daughter to college

and this is

what she came home with!" 

Thanks by sexy!!!!! 
 

[Rachelle Diamond]

Alright bitches, brace yourselves! I have decided to hijack this thread. Back away Ika because I shall deliver today's Smile of the Day.



Technicality
A burglar broke into the home of a prominent local lawyer,
stealing the lawyer's Christmas presents from under the tree.
Scrupulously, he leaves the wife's and children's gifts alone.
As he is escaping from the house,
he has the bad luck to run into a policeman, who promptly arrests him.

He confesses to what he has done,
but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.
When the policeman asks why, he explains,

SPOILER: Click to show

"Because the law states that I am entitled to the presents of an attorney."

Straight to Heaven

Little Billy came home from school
to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said,
"Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.
Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said,
"Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds
and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work,
Billy rushed out to meet him yelling,
"Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.

SPOILER: Click to show

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A Visit to the Psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom.
"Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,

SPOILER: Click to show

"Come on, Dick, let's go."

Thanks, by Roro 8)

SPOILER: Click to show