Shilpa, please go to the diary room

[shilpa]

9 votes.

[shilpa]

Boog, Candice, Christine, Heather, Keith, Matt, Mike, Neda, Rachelle. Hopefully.

[shilpa]

I feel like if I stay, being nominated isn't a bad thing. It really shows you where you're at with a lot of people, and that was something I needed. I overplayed last round in an attempt to keep an ally I felt was necessary for my game, and the consequences of that are beginning to show. But, being on the block, people feel they can be more honest with you. It allows you to hash through some tough game stuff and hopefully, if I stay, these people will trust me and want to work with me going forward. I think there's a pretty big movement for me to stay, though it's not secure by any means, and I am going to work my ass off to keep myself here. I want to be here sooo badly.

Ash is such a cock. Ugh!!! He came to me minutes before the veto ceremony, asking me who my allies were. He was terrified that Christine was going to go up and then he'd have no one. And was potentially hoping to work with me. Of course, at this point, I knew I was going up, so I told him to hang on and I'd talk to him. After I went up I explained to him some things about my friends in this game and who I really wanted to work with, and he didn't want to go against majority. Like, what the hell? He's then telling me he knew I wasn't in his core group because we never talk game. Okay, but aren't you going to want to work with me once Christine is gone in the future? I don't understand him at all. He's not in a good place with the house. He shouldn't be afraid to go against majority. Apparently after he said he'd probably evict me, Keith lit into him, so we'll see where that goes.

Boog is tough to read. Outside of the game I enjoy her immensely but in the game she's a silent threat. I like to think that I have a good connection with her but she told me straight up she won't go against the house, so I have to secure the #s to get her vote. I respect that! At least I can work with that. I'm assuming I can get 8 other votes so I'm thinking I have Boog's too. Plus Candice told me she'll get Boog.

Brian is similar to Ash. There's just no self awareness. At least when I play emotionally and play too hard I know that I'm doing it. But like, Jesus. He doesn't want to piss off Sofia? Are you joking? She hates Brian. Hatessss him. He'll always be a pawn no matter what he does, and he'll never be in their core group. His best bet is to evict Hayley, someone who has nominated him, and try to make himself one of the few people left who can't win competitions. (It's ironic that he has this stigma since he's won more than most.) If there are too many of them, he could leave. Brian is ~sleeping on it~ but for his own game he should be jumping at the opportunity to evict Hayley.

Candice has surprisingly been a big fighter for me to stay. I think she got shook up a little these past two weeks being nominated, and realized she didn't have a great relationship with some of the people in the house. On the other side of that, however, she has some seemingly unbreakable bonds. I think that her relationship with Boog and Neda is stronger than I anticipated and I've really underestimated Candice. She seems to have more pull in the house than I do and she wants me to stay. I'm not too proud to accept her help, and I'm glad she's in my corner. She talked to me on the phone for like an hour last night while she was drunk and out for her birthday. I kept reassuring her that I trust her now and I want to help her. And I do. I may have been passionate, but I'm not blind. I'm willing to accept that the game changes and if I can trust Candice going forward than great. She has some connections I'll need in the coming weeks to survive.

Christine is awesome, but scared. She was originally telling people that she was unsure about keeping me, and told me that she promised Sofia she'd evict me if she didn't go up. Okay, let me just set something straight. You're terrified that someone is going to put you up, and they make you a deal to not put you up, and you have to evict your ally instead. Why the fuck are you going to honor that? I mean, I get that you say it at the time to stay off the block yourself but I would never be so threatened by someone to listen to something like that. You're clearly already in a shit position with that person so in my eyes, it's better to keep your ally around. Eventually I told Christine that I need her name when I'm campaigning and she said I could use it. She's sticking her neck out for me so that's another vote I know I have.

Heather is my one true love and she ain't evicting me. <3 There's a lot to consider with Heather down the road but right now she's so loyal to me I'm hardly thinking about it.

Heaven ain't keeping me so I'm not bothering.

Keith is keeping me, he told me he definitely wants to. I trust him. He said he's going to talk to people and make sure they fall in line. Keith is someone I'm going to need in this game and that I want to go deep with. I know I have him as a vote, but I'm hoping his influence can help others vote to keep me as well.

Matt is another person I adore and I know he's going to keep me. He said he won't even vote with the house if I'm leaving. <3 Matt

Memphis I love Memphis because we have so much fun when we talk and he's a great guy. But he's not a bold player and it's just how he is. I really think he doesn't want to upset people like Zach or Sofia and I get it for him actually. I think they would take him far. It doesn't make sense for a lot of others to follow their plans but I can see why Memphis is. I am not going to hold it against him but I am still trying to get his vote. Every single vote matters.

Mike is going to keep me. He doesn't want to entertain Sofia's plans and he knows me staying his better for his game. It's nice because I know Matt will help have Mike keep me too. I don't think that Mike has a lot of pull with other houseguests besides maybe Brian. But hey, even if he can get one more vote to keep me, that's huge. Like I said, every single vote matters. 9 isn't insurmountable but I'm not going to leave everything out there when fighting to stay. So hopefully Mike can secure Brian.

Neda is really a wildcard. She told me she wants me to stay and she'll do it if I have the votes, similar to Boog. I just tried to be nice to her and told her how badly I want her to stay, but Candice told me she can get Neda. So, I'm going to let Candice do a lot of the handling here while I stay social and positive with Neda. One of the Drew's problems last week was that he didn't campaign at all, so I need to make sure I'm campaigning to some degree so people feel safe with keeping me.

Nick is also a wildcard for me. Obviously we are good friends outside of the game but in this house we've had our differences. However, I've been very transparent with him all game and I fought hard to keep him in week 2. I hope he realizes that and realizes it's in his best interests to keep me. I don't think he holds anything against Hayley for evicting him that week, so I'm not going that route. But keeping me in keeps him in the middle and he needs to see it. Candice told me she'll get his vote for me to stay as well. I'm not currently counting Nick as a vote to keep me because he and I haven't talked about this vote. He worked late last night and wasn't around. I am hoping to work on Nick a lot today, though.

Rachelle and I have a great relationship but she's realizing a lot of people don't trust her. And it sucks. I think I can depend on her to keep me but she's realizing that a lot of people who want to keep me aren't being honest with her about their votes. It's showing her that she's not well-trusted and I tried my best to placate that feeling and justify that it might be because her and Sofia were HOHs together. I didn't know what to say. I just didn't want others' trust in Rachelle to backfire and have me be collateral damage. It's scary but I'm telling Rachelle to hang tight and I will make sure the votes are there. However, I get worried about Rachelle because she told Christine that a promise to Sofia is a promise she shouldn't break (referencing Christine promising to evict me.) It's scary but I do trust Rachelle. I just need other people to, also.

Ryan ain't saving me etc.

Sofia won't keep me in a tie, hence why I need 9.

Zach is definitely looking to evict me but doesn't want to show it. He's trying to be careful about it but I'm not a moron. I see through that! I am not depending on him for a vote but I am depending on him being the first to flip AND tell Sofia if there are 9 locked to keep me. But I don't blame him. He's doing one of the best jobs of using the trio to his advantage so I can't blame his loyalty to them. I genuinely like the trio but I can never beat them in challenge so I do have to try to take them out when I can. I don't want to be narrow-minded but I have to consider what's really doable here. Anyway, I was talking to Zach, telling him that his influence would go a long ways to keep me here and he's not sure. Apparently some people are being very vague about their votes with him, and it's telling to both him and I. But it's good for me! It means people are really interested in keeping me but they don't want Sofia to know. I just hope it pays off.

So overall, I think that I have the ability to stay if I play it right. Except with a few, my social game isn't too bad and I've done good damage control with people like Candice to land me in a position where I may stay. If I stay, I think the game will move into duos, and hopefully that will shake up the dynamic enough to keep me safe. This has been a tough week but it isn't over. I'll be fighting until deadline to stay here. I think the votes are around, I just have to string them together and get everyone to trust each other. I think Candice has a plan and I'm going to put my trust in her. People don't see us as close so if she can sell it right I think she's one of my best bets to stay. Gah, I'm so nervous. I'm going to really owe Candice if I make it out of here alive.

[shilpa]

JUST SAY SOMETHING WITH SOME FUCKING SUBSTANCE

Shilpa Shetty (1:39:57 PM): so it seems like this vote is going to be pretty close!
hartattackbb (1:40:14 PM): a lot of people sem to be going a bunch of ways
Shilpa Shetty (1:41:32 PM): yeah
Shilpa Shetty (1:41:35 PM): i think every single vote is gonna matter
hartattackbb (1:43:10 PM): you think so?
hartattackbb (1:43:19 PM): I'm not entirely sure, but you might be right

[shilpa]

So, I think that I'm leaving. And in a lot of ways, I'm at peace with it. I came into this game too emotionally. I knew it'd be my last game for a while and I wanted to play with friends. I was playing naively and I let people take advantage of me in this game. I think I'm too soft now to do anything non-alias. The thought of throwing my friends under the bus or anything like that was never fun for me and I never wanted to hurt anyone. I felt like I never found my footing in this game and it was an uphill battle for me.

I'm not trying to get any pity or play the victim. I just wasn't ready to play this game. I'm ready to be evicted.

[shilpa]

Ugh. Okay, so I think I have the votes.

Right now, Ash, Boog, Candice, Christine, Heather, Keith, Matt, Mike and Neda all gave me their word they would keep me in the game. Fuck this is so stressful but if a stay then yay. What a day though, I'm exhausted.

[shilpa]

okay jk i'm leaving

it's been fun! ily kat and shir <3