like bees to the honey! /// candice confesses

[candice]

i do video confessionals with my phone you dumb whore. keeping a boy's hat that would never like you in real life

[candice]

lowkey hopes chris wins veto???

like i don't wanna stick my neck out to save the guy but i feel like he's a little more useful to me right now than casey, who seems to only be playing as an uninvested number for heather and shilpa

[candice]

Christopher Hall (9:24:25 PM): btw if you don't save me i'm killin u

[candice]

ok so

zach and i both would rather keep chris around right now, and we figured that what's going to make the difference is how nick is feeling. so nick got on and he's completely split, doesn't really care too much either way. he wants to wait until after veto and thinks that the three of us should just talk it out if they stay the same and man i am all about that. as long as we come out of this week a solid three, i'm content. i would be extra content if chris stays but if that's not the decision the three of us come to, fine, as long as it's the decision we come to because it sets the precedent for us making decisions together going forward

sooooo nvm, highkey hopes nicole wins veto

[candice]

going out of my goddamn mind nbd. jk jk hoping veto gets used regardless of who wins so i can stop being anxious af but also dnw to win veto myself

[candice]

i made a soap portrait of candice stewart as practice for the veto

[candice]

the more i talk to zach

the more i understand why GinaMarie thought i was him in good and evil 7

[candice]

get ready for a text dump~

if you told me i'd be a driving force in evicting casey the first round, let alone anytime before late jury, i'd have told you that you're cracked out your damn mind. i'm genuinely dreading tomorrow because i have to face three of my closest friends and tell them that i'm not doing what they want.



let the record show that this isn't meant as some epic betrayal of shilpa and heather. but, when it comes down to it, they haven't really done much to make me feel like there's anything to betray in the first place. shilpa, heather, and casey have been incredibly fucking sloppy in how they've handled me since the game started and just assumed they don't have to check in with me like i'm an obedient pet. zach and nick have shown themselves to be AMAZING allies that i can trust!!!!!! they appreciate me!!!!!!!!! they have actual fucking conversations about me that don't consist of asking me whether or not casey will be alright and if i feel good with nicole!!!!!!!!!!! and i can rely on them to be on the same Page as much and value my input as an equal, not some number they plan on giving fourth place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

casey has spoken to me THREE times total for the duration of the game and the only one that didn't die on impact was the first, before we even had houses. chris has talked to me at length consistently while we've both been online from the SECOND he replaced into this game. i can't reward someone for assuming that i'll just fall into place without work and vote out another friend who has made it abundantly clear that he trusts me and wants to work with me deep into the game. the only hard thing about this is that i'll have to talk to shilpa and heather about how i feel and they're not going to listen to a damn word because all they'll get out of it is that i'm ~~~betraying~~~ them like. whatever. if it's that important to you that we fucking work together, act like you want to work with me. act like i'm important. if complete fucking strangers like memphis, drew, nicole, and rachelle can do it, so can you.

i was really pulling for chris to win veto so that i didn't have to make this decision. but rachelle won, and of course rachelle isn't using it - i had this crackpot idea to have her use it but zach talked sense into me. really, i need to do this. i need shilpa and heather to see that i'm not a number, i'm a player, and they need to treat me like one. if that's not how they see me then frankly they need to be more aware of how they're handling their relationship with me.

as soon as rachelle won, zach, nick, and myself got into a skype call and talked out how we're going to manage this. it wasn't even a question of what we were doing, it was figuring out how to do it. we synchronized perfectly, making sure that our stories all matched what we were telling rachelle, ika, and nicole, coordinating who "knows" what. nicole wants casey out and that meant that all rachelle needed was to see three people following her lead and she followed the current, ika coming shortly after as soon as she realized chris being evicted wasn't happening. i just filled the holes in for myself, making sure that nicole and rachelle knew where i stood without conflicting with zach and nick. i made sure nicole told me she wanted casey gone before i brought it up with rachelle, who had still been lowkey fishing for me to vote for chris.

a little while after chris popped up and i slowly told him everything. i'd held back some things here and there so that he'd feel some urgency to get zach and nick's trust, to fight for veto, but there just was no point in keeping the full story from him anymore. chris has exactly the read on me that i need him to have: i fit into the groups but i'm not going to stick with them because i'm smart enough to play my own game. which, long term, is the truth. i told zach and nick about my bond with chris, because as much as i hate to say it, i know he probably isn't too long for this game, so i don't think they need to worry about that connection the deeper we go. while i was at it, i let them in on the details of the implied alliance between myself, heather, shilpa, and casey that had been floated through before the game started, because it's clear that i'm breaking it and i can't have it lingering as a weapon for them to use against me. it's important that i tell zach and nick enough to feel like i'm telling them the full story. i still have a few cards that i need to keep close to my chest - the depth of my bonds with boog and memphis, for example - but i need them to think they're privy to my full hand.

this game is already so complicated for round one. i'm already anxious, and terrified of how shilpa and heather are going to handle these new developments. yet, somehow, i'm already having the most fun i've had in one of these games since i started playing again.

god i'm fucked up

[Shir]

<3

[candice]

Shilpa Shetty (9:47:58 PM): i'm concerned
Shilpa Shetty (9:48:03 PM): apparently nicole asked ika to evict casey
candice stewart (9:48:18 PM): yeah i know that's nicole's preference
Shilpa Shetty (9:48:27 PM): do you think it'll happen
candice stewart (9:48:44 PM): i feel like it's a possibility
Shilpa Shetty (9:48:54 PM): are you considering evicting him?
candice stewart (9:49:28 PM): possibly yes
Shilpa Shetty (9:49:37 PM): omg
Shilpa Shetty (9:49:39 PM): why so vague? lol
candice stewart (9:49:43 PM): he has talked to me maybe twice since the game started jake
Shilpa Shetty (9:49:55 PM): still more than chris has talked to me
Shilpa Shetty (9:50:02 PM): but yeah i get
candice stewart (9:50:05 PM): not more than chris has talked to me by a longshot
Shilpa Shetty (9:50:05 PM): it's an individual game

she's being way more rational than i expected her to be?

to my face at least. she probably just posted "FUCK CANDICE" in her confessional and/or to heather lol

[candice]

Zach Rance (10:11:47 PM):
Shilpa Shetty
if trix's social game is going to continue to be
11:11 PM
Shilpa Shetty
sending me youtube links

[candice]

i will never understand the point in launching into personal attacks solely because of a decision someone makes in a game people play on the internet for fun. yes, casey, i know i'm a shitty person, i have terrible self-esteem already, don't really need you trying to drive it even lower.

[Shir]

What's he saying???

Don't have low self-esteem. You're amazing tbh.

[candice]

just calling me a scumbag and saying he thought better of me. admittedly i take things personally really easily because of social anxiety bullshit. i just wish he would realize it's possible that things are more complex than me willynilly turning my back on a friend

[candice]

update, he apologized over PM, it's all good